Jealous
by carolinear
Summary: Amycus isn't a jealous man. Set in the "My Antonin" universe.


I'm not a jealous man.

I never envied my little sister for getting away with things I never could have just because she was the youngest and a girl and invisible whereas I was the boy, the heir, and expected to behave- I knew that in the end, I'd be the one with the family name and a small inheritance to myself.

I never envied my best friend for being wealthy and handsome because honestly, it all seemed like a lot of unnecessary work and stress to handle the lifestyle he lead, and I couldn't imagine what would possess someone to work hard for that when I was perfectly content in my own situation.

I never envied my Lord for being the most powerful wizard who ever lived. I wouldn't have known what to do with all that power, for one, and for another, it seemed far more trouble than it was worth to put up with all the resistance he met, even from his own followers.

I never envied any celebrities, any kings or queens, any Quidditch players or authors or anyone else. I was content with myself, despite my flaws, despite the fact that I could have had more or better things. I was comfortable with what I had and where I was.

But when I got my baby sister's wedding invitation, announcing her marriage to my best friend, I felt something that so closely resembled jealousy that I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

I was in Australia at the time, working to gather followers for the Dark Lord- he was working hard to expand his influence on a global scale- and I crushed the dainty square of cardstock in my palm as the owl who had delivered it looked on as if alarmed by my behaviour.

No, I wasn't jealous that she was marrying him or that he was marrying her in particular. Of course they were the only people in the world I would consider my 'friends' in any sense of the word, but I'm neither homosexual nor incestuous. What I did envy was the obvious joy they found in each other, the blatant- dare I say love?- that they had discovered, and that they could share. Somehow, I felt cheated. Our childhood had been spent either me-and-Alecto or me-and-Antonin, and suddenly it was Alecto-and-Antonin and I was being left behind.

It was painful for me to see him standing at the altar, because there was a look on his face that betrayed an emotion I knew I would never feel. It was even worse to watch Alecto beaming at him with her smile full of sunshine and desire and something deeper as she walked down the aisle- no matter how much I searched, I knew I'd never find someone who would look at me that way. I was doomed to be alone by my own bitterness and disbelief in love, I knew.

And yet somehow, for those fleeting moments as I watched him sweep her into a passionate kiss in front of the altar, I wished I could believe. I wished I could possess that secret joy they'd unlocked in each other.

I retreated outside during the reception to smoke a cigarette and find my sanity somewhere in the dark night, but I couldn't shake that damn feeling no matter what I did.

"You too?" a voice asked with a humourless laugh, and I turned quickly to see that Damocles Mulciber, a fellow Death Eater, had also managed to escape the celebrations.

I grunted noncommittally, but he didn't seem keen to take that as an answer.

"They seem real happy, don't they?"

"Yeah," I agreed, fixing him with an annoyed sort of glare.

I'd never been terribly fond of Mulciber, even though we'd worked together some on Death Eater business. He was a good twenty years my senior, never married, probably never would be with a face like that and considering his age. I figured I'd be something like him in a couple of decades, and that only succeeded in vexing me further.

"I had a girl once. Pretty thing, believe it or not," he confided in me. "Ran off with some Mudblood a month before the wedding, stupid bitch."

"Ah, is that so." I really wasn't in the mood for conversation.

"You got a girl?" he asked, prying where he didn't belong, and I gritted my teeth together.

"No," I replied gruffly, tossing my cigarette to the ground and crushing it beneath my heel before leaving him standing there alone.

I didn't once wish Alecto and Antonin congratulations that night. My sister caught my eye at one point, looking a bit pensive, but neither of them ever mentioned it to me. I know they both noticed, though.

I don't feel bad for never offering them my best wishes. I'm envious, I'm bitter, and I lie awake that night aching for what they have with each other, whatever it is. I know I'll never have it, and it makes me feel like killing someone.

Maybe I'll do just that.


End file.
